If
you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car . They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show. If you laughed at this pass it on. |
Monday, January 20, 2014
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
Sunday, January 19, 2014
2 crocodiles
Two Crocodiles
>
> were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
> You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
> as kids. I just don't get it."
>
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
>
> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
>
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
>
> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
>
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
>
> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
> the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
> them and eat 'em!"
>
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
> out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
>
> were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
> You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
> as kids. I just don't get it."
>
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
>
> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
>
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
>
> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
>
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
>
> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
> the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
> them and eat 'em!"
>
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
> out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
HUSBAND'S HABIT OF > FARTING
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'
Friday, January 17, 2014
5 Rules a Man Needs to Live a Happy Life
Rule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.
Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.
Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.
Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.
Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.
Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.
Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.
Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.
Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.
Clever one Liners..
· I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
· I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
· They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
· PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
· We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
· I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
· Velcro — what a rip off!
· A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
· Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
· The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
· Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Word analysis
A young boy went up to his father and asked him what the difference was between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’.
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Sex and Calories
They say that during sex you
burn off as many calories as
running 8 miles.Who the hell runs 8 miles in
15 seconds?
burn off as many calories as
running 8 miles.Who the hell runs 8 miles in
15 seconds?
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
You think English is easy??
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Monday, January 13, 2014
De-fun-itions
and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the au thor of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the au thor of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Difficult Read
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15
Saturday, January 11, 2014
For the Pun Lover
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina .
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for
his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW ..FOR THE BEST PART….
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA ….
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE’RE NUTS
Friday, January 10, 2014
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose.2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and’stop’, unless they are used together.6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and TryWeakly.8. Virginity can be cured.9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Where old phone cords go - WOW!
HOW COOL IS THIS..............
But someone in New Zealand has way too much free time.
WHERE OLD PHONE CORDS GO
Each one of these sheep is made from telephones and cords ... check out their feet!
( Museum of Communications in Auckland )
WHERE OLD PHONE CORDS GO
Each one of these sheep is made from telephones and cords ... check out their feet!
( Museum of Communications in Auckland )
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The micrOsoft gang of 1978
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
What Happened To The People In Microsoft's Iconic 1978 Company Photo?
It's one of the most iconic photos in American business. A ragtag group of bearded weirdos assembled for a family portrait in Albuquerque. Usually, there's a question above the photo: "Would you have invested?" It's a trick question. You're supposed to answer no – because well, look at those people – but then you learn it's a company portrait of Microsoft from 1978. It was taken just before the then startup left Albuquerque for Seattle. (Microsoft couldn't find anyone willing to move to New Mexico.) Early employee Bob Greenberg, pictured in the middle, won the free portrait after calling in a radio show and guessing the name of an assassinated president. The gang reluctantly gathered together in some of their finest attire, and American business legend was made. We all know what happened with the two guys in the bottom left and bottom right corners -- Bill Gates, and Paul Allen. But what about the rest? The question pop up on Hacker News recently, and they decided to find out.
---------------------
Bill Gates is now giving away the billions he made from Microsoft
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
We all know what happened with this guy. Bill Gates founded and built Microsoft from nothing into the most valuable technology company in the world. Along the way he amassed a fortune, which he's now giving away to all sorts of good causes.
---------------------
Andrea Lewis became a fiction writer and freelance journalist
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Andrea Lewis was the only person at the company that was from Albuquerque. She was a technical writer for Microsoft, which meant she wrote documents explaining Microsoft's software. She left Microsoft in 1983, eventually becoming a freelance journalist and fiction writer. Thanks in part to her Microsoft options, her net worth was estimated at $2 million by the AP.
---------------------
Maria Wood sued Microsoft just 2 years later
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Maria Wood was a book keeper for Microsoft, and married to another one of the early Microsofties in the picture. She left the company just two years later, suing it for sexual discrimination. Microsoft settled the case. After that, it doesn't look like she did much else. She raised her children and became a volunteer.
---------------------
Paul Allen has spent his billions on sports teams, startups, and much more
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
After Bill Gates, Paul Allen is the most famous guy in the group. Allen, the other Microsoft cofounder, is the 37th richest person in the world according to Forbes. He's the owner of the Portland Trailblazers, the Seattle Seahawks, one of the biggest yachts in the world, and much more.
---------------------
Bob O'Rear went onto be a cattle rancher
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Bob O'Rear was one of the oldest employees at Microsoft. He was at NASA in Mission Control when we landed on the moon. At Microsoft he was a chief mathematician, and is credited with reworking code in DOS, and getting it onto IBM PCs. He left the company in 1983, moved back to his home state of Texas, and did some cattle ranching. His worth is estimated at $100 million, and he sits on the board of a few local businesses.
---------------------
Bob Greenberg left Microsoft, then worked on the Cabbage Patch Kids
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Bob Greenberg was the guy that won a radio call-in contest to get the photo. He left Microsoft in 1981, after helping the company develop a new version of BASIC. When he left he went on to help his family's company, Coleco, develop the Cabbage Patch Kid dolls, which became a huge hit. More recently, he's said to have worked on golf course software.
---------------------
Marc McDonald left Microsoft because it was getting big, but ended up back at the company, anyway
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Marc McDonald was the first salaried employee, and when he left in 1984, it was because he didn't like how big the company was getting. After leaving Microsoft he went to another Paul Allen company, Asymetrix. He then went to Seattle design company Design Intelligence, which was acquired by Microsoft in 2000. So, he ended up back at Microsoft! According to the AP, he has said he is worth less than $1 million.
---------------------
Gordon Letwin stayed with Microsoft longer than anyone other than Bill Gates
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Gordon Letwin was with the company until 1993, the second longest run of all the employees pictured (Gates is first). He was a programmer at Microsoft, and quit when he wanted a break from the grind of the company. He has a ranch in Arizona, and has donated money to some environmental causes. His worth is estimated at $20 million or so.
---------------------
Steve Wood went on to found Wireless Services Corp.
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Steve Wood is the husband of Maria Wood, who eventually left Microsoft under bad circumstances. Steve left in 1980, but worked with Paul Allen on a few companies. He founded Wireless Services Corp., a mobile messaging company, in 1996. It's been renamed SinglePoint, and he's now the chairman. He and his wife's net worth is pegged at $15 million now.
---------------------
Late Bob Wallace researched on psychedelic drugs and founded a software company after Microsoft
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Bob Wallace seems like he was one of the most far out early Microsoft employees. He spent time and money researching psychedelic drugs after leaving the company. He also founded a software company called Quicksoft. He died in 2002 from pneumonia.
---------------------
Jim Lane went on to do his own software company
Image: Business Insider, Microsoft
Jim Lane was a project manager who left in 1985 reportedly saying, Microsoft "beat the enthusiasm out of me." He went on to start his own software company. At Microsoft he helped with the early partnership with Intel. (Something that's been pretty useful for Microsoft so far.)
---------------------
Here's one more look at the gang from 1978 ...
Image: Microsoft
... And here's a photo of them from 2008 that Microsoft put together when Bill Gates was leaving the company
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
MATH TRICK – How to change number one into number two
This is how to change a Number 1 into a Number 2:
Children’s prayers
KIDS IN CHURCH
> > 3-year-old Reese :
> > ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
> > Harold is His name.
> > Amen.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A little boy was overheard praying:
> > ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
> > I’m having a real good time like I am.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > After the christening of his baby brother in church,
> > Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
> > His father asked him three times what was wrong.
> > Finally, the boy replied,
> > ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
> > And I wanted to stay with you guys.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > One particular four-year-old prayed,
> > ‘And forgive us our trash baskets
> > As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
> > Were on the way to church service,
> > ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’
> > One bright little girl replied,
> > ‘Because people are sleeping.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,****
> > Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
> > The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> > Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
> > ‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
> > ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
> > Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
> > ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A father was at the beach with his children
> > When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
> > Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
> > Where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
> > ‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked.
> > ‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied.
> > The boy thought a moment and then said,
> > ‘Did God throw him back down?’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A wife invited some people to dinner.
> > At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
> > ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
> > ‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.
> > ‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.
> > The daughter bowed her head and said,
> > ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > And if you don’t send this to at least 8 people —– who cares!
> > Peace, love and happiness
> > This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s rumored to carry a miracle!
> > They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle..****
> > 3-year-old Reese :
> > ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
> > Harold is His name.
> > Amen.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A little boy was overheard praying:
> > ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
> > I’m having a real good time like I am.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > After the christening of his baby brother in church,
> > Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
> > His father asked him three times what was wrong.
> > Finally, the boy replied,
> > ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
> > And I wanted to stay with you guys.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > One particular four-year-old prayed,
> > ‘And forgive us our trash baskets
> > As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
> > Were on the way to church service,
> > ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’
> > One bright little girl replied,
> > ‘Because people are sleeping.’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,****
> > Kevin 5, and Ryan 3
> > The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> > Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
> > ‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
> > ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
> > Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
> > ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A father was at the beach with his children
> > When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
> > Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
> > Where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
> > ‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked.
> > ‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied.
> > The boy thought a moment and then said,
> > ‘Did God throw him back down?’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A wife invited some people to dinner.
> > At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
> > ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
> > ‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.
> > ‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.
> > The daughter bowed her head and said,
> > ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > And if you don’t send this to at least 8 people —– who cares!
> > Peace, love and happiness
> > This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It’s rumored to carry a miracle!
> > They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle..****
Santa Radio lekar khet me potti karne gaya.
Banta:Aaj to maje se ki hogi?
Santa:Khak maje se ki, radio pe Jan-Gan-Man aa gaya. Khade khade kani padi.
Banta:Aaj to maje se ki hogi?
Santa:Khak maje se ki, radio pe Jan-Gan-Man aa gaya. Khade khade kani padi.
Ekbar ek sharabi ja raha tha achanak kichchad me gir
gaya itneme bijli chamki sharabi bola he bhagwan ek to kichchad me gira diya
aur photo bhi khinch liya
1 Sardar library me 3 Ghante 1 Book padhne k Baad bola
SO BORING itne sare characters but no story.
Librarian-
Sardar Ji, wo TELEPHONE DIARY thi.
SO BORING itne sare characters but no story.
Librarian-
Sardar Ji, wo TELEPHONE DIARY thi.
Ek Sardar apne Marriage Certificate ko ek ghante se dekh
raha tha.Biwi boli:tussi inni der se ki dekh rahe ho?
Sardar:Expiry Date dekh raha hu. ....
Sardar:Expiry Date dekh raha hu. ....
T.V. chalu karo aur news dekho katrina hospitaliesed
hai kyonki usne mujhe propose kiya aur maine use sadi se mana kardiya to us
pagli ne apne hath ki nas kat li
100 ladkiyo ne suicide kar liya aur 30 ne apne nas kat
li aur 10 ladkiya behose ho gayi kyonki kisi kamine ne meri sadi kijhoti khabar
faela di thi
One day RAVAN went to disco... aur woh behosh ho gaya,
due to shock.....!
why.....?? " Coz the entry fee was Rs. 1500 per HEAD...!!!
why.....?? " Coz the entry fee was Rs. 1500 per HEAD...!!!
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