WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car . They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.  Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show. If you laughed at this pass it on.

2 crocodiles

Two Crocodiles  
> 
> were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
> The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
> You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
> as kids. I just don't get it."
> 
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
> 
> "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
> 
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
> 
> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
> 
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
> 
> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
> the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
> them and eat 'em!"
> 
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
> out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

HUSBAND'S HABIT OF > FARTING

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

5 Rules a Man Needs to Live a Happy Life

Rule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.

Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.

Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.

Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.

Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.

Clever one Liners..

·       I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

·       When chemists die, they barium.

·       I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

·       How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·       I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·       This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

·       I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down

·       I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

·       They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

·       PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

·       Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·       We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

·       I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·       Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

·       When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

·       Broken pencils are pointless.

·       I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·       What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·       England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

·       I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·       I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

·       All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

·       I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·       Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

·       Velcro — what a rip off!

·       A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

·       Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

·       The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

·       Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

·       Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Discrimination…will it never end?

Once again discrimination rears its ugly head….

Word analysis

A young boy went up to his father and asked him what the difference was between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’.

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?”
The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”